This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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