The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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