Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Walk of Shame today included voting.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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