I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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