He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
