Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
