i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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