Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Jerry, you need to find god
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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