For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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