btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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