Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
