Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well I just put wine in my tea
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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