I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
