she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
