enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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