a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
