Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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