Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
