why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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