I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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