I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
