Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
