Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
