This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
