I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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