he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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