3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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