508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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