You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
