I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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