i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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