Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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