Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
