Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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