Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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