I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
