Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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