I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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