well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize