ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
