should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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