Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
