put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
