he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
