there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
There's even glitter on my cock...
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