It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize