let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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