You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
