apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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