i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
