i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize