I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
