I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
