remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
