We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
