she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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