brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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