he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
